street cake

Is Heidi “F”ing insane?!

with 9 comments

Hiedi Montag Pratt Whatever has declared that she likes her F cups and would even like to go up to an H cup.  Do you know how many D’s are in an F?  There are 3 D’s in an F.  And do you know how I know that?  Well, other than being a woman who has spent time in the intimates department at Nordstrom and who has seen the Oprah episode all about “are you wearing the wrong sized bra?”, I know this because I am an E cup.

Generally speaking this isn’t something I would broadcast all over the Interwebs but if you read my other blog (and yes, I’m pretty much going to link to it every time I mention it) then you already know that I was on the Today Show in a segment about how to dress your body type.  And I was the “large bust” (not a link to porn, just a link to the post, I swear.  It’s totally SFW.  Unless your offices disapprove of words like “busty”).  And the picture at the bottom of the recap post was my Facebook picture for about 6 months.

To be perfectly honest, I wish they would have kept me on call, you know, as the seasonal busty girl or something.  Because having the size chest that I have and having the other proportions that I have well, it’s not exactly easy to make things work for me.  I’m top heavy.  I have toothpick legs and kind of scrawny arms and yet I can photograph chubby.  I have a genetically tiny torso (thanks Mom’s side of the family!) and when you pair a tiny torso with a not-so-tiny chest…well…it’s not necessarily the most attractive combo.

I spend a LOT of time yelling at my less well-endowed friends to PLEASE JUST TAKE THEM! when they say they’d give anything for my chest.  If I had a normal-sized chest I would be an extra small or a small.  It wouldn’t be something that I needed to pull out a tape measure for every time I want to order something online.  I would just KNOW what size I was.  But that’s never the case.

Look at most runway shows.  Do you SEE huge-breasted women?  Unless it’s the Victoria’s Secret runway show, you likely do not.  And there is a reason for that.  A lot of clothes don’t look amazing on big flouncy, bouncy boobs.  There are countless trends/looks that I can’t pull off because of my chest.  Strapless dresses?  Forget it.  Triangle bikinis?  Not likely (which consequently means no cute bathing suits and only frumpy old lady suits.  When I looked for bathing suits in Nordstrom’s “full bust” section they were all one-pieces or tankinis. Boooooring).

And it’s not just the clothing that you have to consider.  A large chest makes running a pain in the ass.  You have to deal with soreness during PMS (and nothing helps raging hormones like sore boobs that hurt if your hubby even tries to hug you).  And that whole “big boobs during pregnancy” idea?  Well let’s just say that I am not looking forward to that.

Aside from the personal annoyances of a large chest, there are the more, uh, public annoyances.  A few weeks after I moved into the new apartment I got cat-called by a group of teenage boys (and as you know, teenagers scare the living poo out of me).  I was wearing a V-neck shirt and a bra that made sure the ladies were where they should be (read: NOT a push-up bra). It’s aggravating to think that I can’t leave my house in a V-neck (a style that is actually a bust MINIMIZER) because any amount of cleavage turns men into howling animals.  It’s unfortunate that I have to worry about a normal-cut shirt being too revealing when I go out for a drink.  It’s obnoxious that if the shirt happens to show a little more than I intended people will leer, comment, or try to cop a feel (which in all fairness hasn’t happened since college).

It annoys me when people like Heidi mess up their bodies like this.  Did she not pay attention to Pamela Anderson?  Pammy’s boobs have gone up and down in size because of implant issues.  And the thing is, big boobs aren’t all that appealing.  My friend Robin put it the best.  We were in middle school when she asked this very poignant question: Why do guys like big boobs anyway?  They’re just chunks of fat.

Yes.  EXACTLY!  They are just chunks of fat.  Or, in many cases, chunks of silicone, or bags of saline, or whatever.  So why do people feel the need to be constantly pumping theirs up?

The next time that Heidi goes under the knife, I think I’ll ask to go with her.  Maybe doctors can finally capitalize on that whole trading the big boobs thing.  After all, it is Hollywood.


Written by stealthnerd

January 20, 2010 at 8:37 am

Posted in Uncategorized

9 Responses

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  1. Heidi is a freak….she had 10 plastic surgeries. She is the dream girl of all LA Dr.’s. -lol …and made the cover of People…sad, very sad


    January 20, 2010 at 10:06 am

  2. i think Heidi has answered your question – yes, she is insane.
    and bra sizing totally confuses me. why is a AA smaller than an A but a DDD is bigger than a D??
    and if Heidi doesn’t take some of yours i’ll buy in for a small amount… in a perfect world i’d be a bit bigger but i’m not really willing to risk surgery for them… so, er, umm, i guess i won’t take ’em off your hands. sorry.


    January 20, 2010 at 10:09 am

  3. Mine aren’t quite as big for you, but I also have proportion problems. I hate the no strapless dresses thing!! Anyway, I’m trying to embrace mine now – as in I’m not hiding them. I was at the beach last summer and there was a cute girl wearing a swimsuit and she was totally showing off the goods, but in a classy way and it’s my goal to be more like her.


    January 20, 2010 at 12:25 pm

  4. I’m a modest B cup and the last place weight goes is my boobs. So if I ever have big boobs it’s cos I’m fat. I used to want bigger boobs when I was younger but now . . . I can fake it and I’m happy with that! It must be tough to have to deal with an E cup! Eek.


    January 20, 2010 at 6:54 pm

  5. Yeah…I’m leaning towards Heidi being completely out of her mind. C’mon. No one needs boobs that big, or the countless other enhancements she’s undergone.

    I’ve never understood the boob fascination. They are MAMMARY glands, people. Potential convenient baby food. That is all! Otherwise they are just there. They can look good in the right clothes, but they’re usually just a hassle.

    My mother is also a small woman with a large bust. She won’t admit her height, but I’m 5’4″ and she’s at least 4 inches shorter than me. She has always battled those E cups. Always. That is, until she had them reduced to B’s. Besides all the things you mentioned, they were causing her major back problems. Boobs are heavy! I don’t see how Heidi’s staying upright!

    Heather Rose

    January 21, 2010 at 11:39 am

  6. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I’m a double-D, so I totally get it and have no clue why anyone at all whatsoever would ever have them so big by choice…


    January 21, 2010 at 11:44 am

  7. A.J.: She’s a TOTAL freak! And now she’s freaking scary looking too!

    NSJ: Are you sure I can’t entice you into taking just a bit of my va va voom off my hands? 😛

    Meg: That’s not a bad goal actually, work with what you’ve got, right?

    Paula: I’m totally jealous of you! I’d rather be faking it upwards, than trying to fake it down. Minimizer bras hurt man!

    Heather: The back problems…oh the back problems. I sympathize with your mother (and now totally envy her for getting a reduction!)

    MinD: We should form a short girls with big boobs club. It would be a huge hit!


    January 21, 2010 at 10:05 pm

  8. I agree with what everyone else has said: Heidi must be insane. (And to Heather Rose–she may be upright now but I doubt that will last with time!)

    I don’t get the fascination with cosmetic plastic surgery in general. (I do respect people who do have plastic surgery for other reasons.) I could never permanently change my appearance and feel good about it, at least not for long. Heidi looks…hot? like every other over-sexed celebrity whose undergone the knife too many times? She essentially looks so fake now, though.

    Laure Parkinson

    January 24, 2010 at 4:37 pm

  9. Laure: I don’t get the fascination either. It’s one of the reasons I never got a tattoo–I’m too fickle to still like something like that after awhile!


    January 29, 2010 at 11:30 am

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